STUNT DOUBLE STEVE MARTIN PINK PANTHER

STUNT DOUBLE

STEVE MARTIN

PINK PANTHER

Ya have to understand how huge STEVE MARTIN was!

Before him comics were schleppy little dorks who played the Catskills and Vegas.

STEVE MARTIN was, cool, before it was cool to be hot.

He took an entire audience who had paid for tix, parking,food, drinks and babysitting out to an empty swimming pool, convinced them all to jump in and then proceeded to swim lengths over top of them!

They luved it!

Pretty dam cool!

He had a BEST SELLING ALBUM!

He was the BEST TONIGHT SHOW GUEST HOST...EVER!

The BEST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE HOST...EVER!

BOX OFFICE SMASH MOVIES!

BEST SELLING BOOK ON NEW YORKS BESTSELLER LIST!

ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!

He had the coolest CATCH PHRASES!

TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!

WELL,... EXCUSE MEEEE!

OUR GENERATION is big on CATCH PHRASES!

I don’t even know if other GENERATIONS even had CATCH PHRASES!

But ours HAD TO HAVE THEM!

And STEVE MARTIN was the KING of CATCH PHRASES!

Myself and my future Mrs Campett lived in BANFF Alberta for a year after we graduated from University.

Back then BANFF didn’t have CABLE.

So whenever STEVE MARTIN was GUEST HOSTING the  TONIGHT SHOW or HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE or better yet, BOTH,we’d fill up the ol’ Toyota Corolla with that cheap Alberta gas (apparently it was cheap cause they had oil wells and no Taxes.)throw the chains in the trunk and drive that treacherous, albeit beautiful 2 hour drive to Calgary.

We would rent a hotel room and go out to the Ol Spaghetti Factory for dinner and order a bottle of Mateus wine. ( We always order Mateus cause that’s what we had on our first date.) I pronounced it Ma-Tay-us cause it sounded cool but I think the correct pronunciation is Mat-oos)

We’d then go back to our room and watch STEVE MARTIN GUEST HOSTING the TONIGHT SHOW so we could bring a new cool CATCH PHRASE back to BANFF. Basically we rented the room for the  CABLE TV.

That's how COOL STEVE MARTIN was.

Or possibly how UNCOOL myself and my future Mrs CLAMPETT were.

A couple years later we drove to California in that same TOYOTA COROLLA. It died on SUNSET BLVD. We ran outta money and had to give Plasma in East LA for food (just at about the same time my best buddy got traded to the Detroit RedWings and scored a hat trick vs the Kings a couple miles away)

But that's an entirely different Blog.

Because we had no money, our only form of entertainment was waiting in lineups for hours to watch different TV shows + game shows.

You can imagine our pure and unadulterated joy when we heard that STEVE MARTIN himself would be guest hosting the TONIGHT SHOW and we could watch him live in person! 

When we told the NBC Page that we used to drive for 2 hrs in a snowstorm to rent a hotel room that had a TV with cable so we could watch STEVE MARTIN host the TONIGHT SHOW. They put us in the back row and watched us very closely.

Being in the NBC Studios watching STEVE MARTIN live was fantastic! But I still wound up watching a lot of it on the TV monitors, cause everything looks cooler on TV.

Bernadette Peters his girlfriend at the time was one of the guests.

After the show we saw STEVE MARTIN and BERNADETTE PETERS at a record shop on Hollywood blvd near where our car had broken down.

We weren’t STALKING! We didn’t even know what stalking was back then.

But I immediately grabbed his comedy album off the shelf. The one with the balloon animals on his head.

I nervously asked him to sign it.

He asked me if I’d paid for it yet. Which I hadn’t.

So I rushed over to the lineup to pay  for it. There were only 4 mooks in line ahead of me but it was taking forever! 

Folks were starting to notice STEVE MARTIN. I knew it was only a matter of time before  he blew outta there.

I FINALLY paid for my STEVE MARTIN album and rushed over to him making sure the receipt was clearly visible.

I asked him if he would mind signing my album again.

He asked if I could take off the cellophane first.

I nervously took off the cellophane and waited for him to sign.

He asked if I had a sharpie.

Doh! I guess I thought celebrities just came equipped with their own sharpies because they luved signing autographs so much.

NOT!

I whipped across the street to a variety store.

I grabbed a sharpie and wound up in line behind the same 4 mooks from the Record Store who took just as long.

And STEVE MARTINS getting set to leave!

I just threw down $20 of my hard earned blood money and bolted out the door just in time to catch STEVE MARTIN and BERNADETTE PETERS as they were leaving the record store.

I again asked if he would mind signing my album.  

I handed him the sharpie but it was still in it's packaging.

What ensued was a scene right out of Larry David where the 3 of us tried to figure out how to get the sharpie out.

BERNADETTE PETERS finally figured it out and,...

STEVE MARTIN SIGNED MY ALBUM!!!

THIRTY YEARS later I was STEVE MARTIN’s STUNT DOUBLE on the PINK PANTHER reshoots in Vancouver.

They were gonna pick someone else but the STUNT COORDINATOR kindly pointed them in my direction.

I basically had 2 GAGS.

ONE- to get bit in the crotch by this HUGE ROTTWEILER!

TWO- to dive 10 feet onto French Actor JEAN RENO, miss and land flat on my face!!

I remember rehearsing for the DOG GAG. This ROTTWEILER was HUGE! And very angry!! I stood a few feet from this reject from a Stephen King movie. The Trainer would get the dog all worked up. He was snarling his teeth! He was salivating! He wanted to rip my heart out!! It was personnel with this dog! And the breath!!

When they released the hound, in addition to the abject horror I felt when he lunged towards me with those evil eyes, I felt the vice like grip of this animals jaws on my forearm! The teeth weren’t cutting through to the skin but the pressure on my ulnar and radius was incredible! It felt like the two bones were dry twigs and were about to snap!

And I was wearing this HUGE cast/protector on my arm! I wondered what would happen on the day when I only had room for a tiny little pad under my wardrobe. 

We shot the DOG GAG at the YVR airport. It was pretty cool shooting a huge franchise movie like PINK PANTHER with a big star like STEVE MARTIN at a busy airport in the daytime. There was quite a BUZZ! 

I felt especially cool because I was dressed like STEVE. I made more trips than usual to Craft Service that day past the hoards of on lookers and Japanese tourists.

Speaking of which, I got my classic STUNT GUY with ACTOR picture taken with STEVE that day. You're not sure how a STAR is going to react to the request. But STEVE, er, MR MARTIN was totally cool.

Later on I was a little annoyed because our wardrobe didn't totally match. I was wearing a trench coat with the huge dog protector on my forearm under my wardrobe and I couldn't get it off. But it was still a cool shot.

The moment of truth had arrived! I had to take the huge dog protector off my forearm because I wasn't doubling POPEYE.

Now if that ROTTWEILLER from Hell gets his jaws around from forearm he's gonna crush it! But I've got a plan.

ROLLING!

The DOG DUDE is holding the dog off camera. He working him into a frenzy! It's like he's zapping his genitals with a electric prod and it's really pissing him off and he's blaming me for it!

He's growling and snarling and salivating! He wants to rip my heart out!!

AND ACTION!!

DOG DUDE releases the DOG! He lunges for me! He's supposed to go for my crotch so I have to put my forearm there so he doesn't make off with the family jewels! But not too low so he'll go for my neck! Just as his vice like jaws clamp down on my forearm, I TWIST my forearm really quick! That doesn't allow him to clamp on! He rips at the sleeve of my jacket! He gets a little bit of skin but at least he doesn't crush any bones!

It looks cool!

The Japanese tourists luv it!

CUT! PRINT! MOVIN ON!

For the second GAG, French actor JEAN RENO enters the office and looks up and sees STEVE MARTIN as CLOUSEAU diving on him from up above. Of course he misses him and smashes onto the floor!

They shot the same GAG in France using a stunt guy on a descender. But it looked like a stunt guy on a descender!

We rehearsed the same GAG. But it looked like a stunt guy on a descender.

A Descender's when you put a stunt guy on a wire, let him fall free and then at the last instant you stop him just a split second before he hits the ground so he doesn't get killed.

ROLLING!

AND ACTION!!

JEAN RENO, French actor dude enters room. He looks up. I dive on a wire. I miss him and land on the floor! 

CUT!!

Problem is, it still looks like a stunt guy on a wire.

I saw the DIRECTOR talking to the STUNT COORDINATOR. I knew what was comin.

They wanted me to do it for real! They literally wanted me to dive off the 12 foot ladder and do a face plant  onto the floor.

They were thinking of using a dummy. But why bother when you already have one.

My concern was, other than doing a 12 ' face plant on the floor, the timing. There's  nothing a Stunt Guy fears more than having to trust an actor. If the actor enters the room and looks up, I gotta go! If he fakes me out, I face plant for nothing and I really only wanna do this GAG once! 

So I climb up to the top of the 12 ' ladder without a wire.

AND ACTION!

JEAN RENO the French actor enters the room. He looks up, I leap. I go totally horizontal. I had to totally commit to this. If I go in head first I could snap my back! And I couldn't go in feet first cause that would be too lame. I wanted the first point of contact to be my legs then slam down on my forearms!

I slammed onto the floor!!

Nailed it! The JEAN RENO was great! He didn't fake me out!

CUT! PRINT! MOVIN ON!

Kinda got the wind knocked outta me. But otherwise, OK. No clavicle sticking out through the skin or anything like that.

The DIRECTOR rushed over to see if I was ok. A good sign! He stomped on the floor thinking it was foam rubber but it wasn't. He lifted the rug looking for the huge soft pad that wasn't there! He was very happy. He kept saying it looked like a guy actually flying through the air and face planting on the floor. Cause it  actually was a guy flying through the air and face planting on the floor! 

This was one of the hottest DIRECTORS around, a kid from Montreal. He luved it so much he let me read for the part of a Caveman who gets set on fire on NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM. But I guess he didn't luv it enough to actually cast me.

You know you've hit the ground hard when you see a bunch of Stunt Guys checking the floor for pads and looking at you like you're a crazy person.

They actually wound up using that GAG in the Trailor for the movie! It was cool watching it on TV and in the movie theatre, watching the audience wincing when I hit the ground.

I did have one more gravy day left. Steve Martin was entertaining the troops by playing the banjo between setups.

The moment of truth had arrived.

The moment I had waited 30 years for.

I had brought my old STEVE MARTIN album. The one he had signed in LA, 30 years ago.

He looked up. I showed him the album with his signature on it.

I then smiled and said that yes, 

I had PAID FOR IT,

AND, I had taken the CELLOPHANE OFF,

AND, I've taken the SHARPIE OUT OF THE PACKAGE

He looked at me like I was a total idiot. He didn't know what the hell I was talking about.

Like there was even a hope in hell that he could have possibly remembered some dope stalking him 30 years ago!!

But it's something I will never forget.

I took a deep breath.

I handed him the album and sharpie and I asked him if he would mind signing it again like he had 30 years ago.

He looked up at me and said...

"SECURITY!"

He was serious.

The ASSHOLE wouldn't sign it!!!

I was so pissed! I SNAPPED!!!

What about the DEMON DOG that almost ripped my heart out!!?

What about the cartilage in my nose being driven up into my brain when I face planted onto that titanium floor!!? 

What about having to wear that stupid looking and very itchy Clouseau mustache!!?

All that so that this chump could go on and make another 10 million on another movie being carried on the backs of us po' below the line folks.

I would have taken a bullet for him!!

All I want is a signature!

All I want is a little name scribbled on an album cover!

Is that too much to ask?!!

And I can't get any cooperation because he's,

TOO BUSY,

ENTERTAINING,

THE BACK STAGE CREW!???

WELL!.........

EXCUUUUUSE!!...

MEEEEEE!!!....

Joking.

He signed.

We then did a banjo duet together, cause, we're two...

WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!!!!

NOT!!!

(Next Week- CABIN IN THE WOODS, PA BUCKNER. CREEPIEST GAG EVER!!!!!!!!)

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S "OFFICIAL" STUNT DOUBLE In The EYES of a STRANGER

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S

"OFFICIAL" 

STUNT DOUBLE

In The EYES of a STRANGER

I had been Richard Dean Anderson’s UNOFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE a couple of times on MACGYVER.

I got clotheslined at center ice by Dick Butkus from the Chicago Bears! I smashed through tempered glass! I had a hockey net fall on my neck!

But when they took off the MACGYVER mullet, the horse and carriage turned back into a pumpkin and I became  

JUST A STAND IN 

His OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE was a dude from LA.

He drove a black Mercedes convertible. He pounded weights and got nuked under a sun lamp for hours everyday. He spent a lotta time getting blond streaks put in his hair by the Pretty Department.

HE WAS BEAUTIFUL!

I had heard one morning while waiting in line for my breakfast sandwich before yet another dreadful 16 hour day up in the beautiful but wet GVRD rainforest  in the mountains of Vancouver that he made,

SIX FIGURES from RESIDUAL CHEQUES ALONE!

That is, 30 years ago, he made,

SIX FIGURES,

from the opening credits of MACGYVER alone. Which means that before he even got up the morning, by the time it took for the  MACGYVER music, which is forever etched in all our minds to play, he made more than I made for years of being,

JUST A STAND IN.

I didn’t even really know how much SIX FIGURES was. But I knew it was a lot!

He was a JESUS GUY with a FOOT FETISH.

A MAJOR FOOT FETISH!

MAJOR!

He wasn’t allowed to curse or lust after women.

But whenever a female with open toed sandals passed through his eyeline his head would SNAP!

And he would SNAP ZOOM onto the woman’s feet! He would track them like a lioness would track her prey never once letting his eyes off them.

When another female with open toed sandals would cross his eyeline going in the opposite direction, his head would SNAP in the opposite direction, the way his head would SNAP when he was taking a punch! And he would track those feet until they were out of range.

He’d say that each foot was like a snow flake. No two were alike but each was beautiful in their own way.

RDA didn’t totally luv him. Said he had DOG TEETH and that he didn’t look anything like him anymore because he was too pumped up from spending so much time in the gym.

But he had the 

BEST CONTRACT EVER!!

A FULL RIDE SAG CONTRACT!

ACCOMMODATION. WEEKLY. PER DIUM.

And yes, 

RESIDUALS!

RDA luved me!

I’d set him up in he slot for an easy tap in! And he’d fist pump like he’d scored the winner in the Stanley Cup final in game 7!

But I was getting paid 

MINIMUM WAGE.

EXTRAS VOUCHER.

Cause I was

JUST A STAND IN.

HAND INSERTS.

PHOTO DOUBLING.

OFF CAMERA LINES. 

ON CAMERA LINES.

SSE.

All on the same

EXTRAS VOUCHER!

And I loathed every second of it!

But that was all gonna end soon because I was about to become,

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON’s,

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE!!

MACGYVER had been officially cancelled and RDA was doing a MOW in TORONTO called 

In the EYES of a STRANGER.

Co Starring JUSTINE BATEMEN.

And he had promised me that I was no longer,

JUST A STAND IN,

But his

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE!

No more SUNTANNED JESUS GUY with the Black Mercedes convertible and the MAJOR FOOT FETISH and the SAG contract.

I was gonna travel all over the world with him for the rest of his hopefully long and illustrious career.

MICHAEL GREENBURG aka GMON was already in TO. He was RDA’s bestest pal and partner and Executive Producer of the show. RDA was the figure head but GMON was the POWER.

He made sure everyone got taken care of. 

He said he’d mention to the STUNT COORDINATOR that I was,

RDA’s,

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE

But I decided it was more honourable to FLY to Toronto + meet the STUNT COORDINATOR in person rather than just talk to him on the phone. You know look him in the eye and shake his hand type stuff. 

I wanted to be Professional and start off on the right foot.

My wife's a flight attendant so I can fly for peanuts. But I have to fly STAND BY.

So I'm gonna fly all the way to TORONTO for a HANDSHAKE!

My wife just got back from a flight + was very jet lagged. So I gave the kids a bath + read them a story. I was takin the RED EYE but I had to be back the very next night because she had another flight.

So I drove our BEATER to the airport. I parked in CREW park. Waited for the crew SHUTTLE. I stood by for the RED EYE to Toronto.

I arrived @ TO AIRPORT early and took a BUS to the  ROYAL YORK HOTEL downtown. My brother lived near there but I didn't want to wake him up so I went to the Union Station for a coffee. Nothing was open yet.

Man was it cold! 

I took a TROLLY car to the PRODUCTION OFFICE which was in some Industrial part of town.

I had to wait outside because it wasn't open yet. It was freezing! I was wearing my fancy clothes because you have to dress up to fly on an airline pass. My grey tweed sports jacket with the elbow patches and the penny loafers with no socks wasn’t exactly cutting it.

Finally the front door opened and I saw my boy MICHAEL GREENBURG aka GMON. He got the office staff to get me a script and made them be nice to me. He was the guy who made things happen! His word was law. Things were lookin up.

GMON introduced me to the STUNT COORDINATOR. He didn't seem all that happy to see me and didn't seem all that impressed that I had just flown all the way from Vancouver just to shake his hand.

I guess the fact that GMON the EXECUTIVE  PRODUCER had just essentially forced him to hire me didn't help any. 

All the Stunt Coordinator said was ,

“If yer his guy. Yer his guy." 

And he walked away.

And just like that I was now, no longer,

JUST A STAND IN.

I was,

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S ,

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE! 

WAHOO!!

But I had to get back to Vancouver before my wife's flight. We couldn't leave a toddler + a baby alone to fend for themselves.

So I hopped on the TROLLEY CAR,

back to the

ROYAL YORK HOTEL.

Then I took the BUS back to the AIRPORT and waited standby for the next flight home. 

I read the script on the plane to be cool

5 hours later I landed. I took the shuttle back to CREW PARK and  drove home real fast !!

I arrived home just in time to pass my wife going out the door for her flight. She would have appreciated a break from the kids before working a full flight and I forgot to put gas in the BEATER, but I was officially,

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE!

The first morning I awoke as

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S 

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE, 

there was a call on the phone. It was the STUNT COORDINATOR from TO + he wasn't too happy! He had talked to a couple of STUNT COORDINATORS from Vancouver + they had told him that I was 

JUST A STAND IN.

Not,

RDA’s OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE

OOOPS.

Ask me if I still remember those LOCAL STUNT COORDINATOR’s names 20 years later.

Just ask. I dare ya.

Now it’s true that none of the local STUNT COORDINATOR’s had ever hired me.

But MACGYVER’s LA COORDINATOR never had a problem using me, and I had been training hard, sliding cars, fighting etc.  

So I waited for my wife to get back from her flight.

There was still no gas in the BEATER.

She would have appreciated a break from her long flight.

I drove our BEATER back to the airport.

I parked in CREW PARK.

I took a crew SHUTTLE to the TERMINAL.

I took the RED EYE back to TO.

I took a BUS from the AIRPORT to the ROYAL YORK HOTEL.

I took the TROLLEY CAR to the INDUSTRIAL side of town to the STUDIO.

Next time I’m definitely wearing socks.

I waited in a blizzard outside the studio until they opened.

I saw GMON. I mentioned to him the STUNT COORDINATOR’s reluctance to hire me and that he may need a little convincing. 

GMON assured me that I was still RDA’s

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.

Something about the the STUNT COORDINATOR being punted if he didn't get on board. 

GMON always gave people two choices if they didn’t play along,

WINDOW or AISLE.

GMON also asked me if I’d ever heard of a, 

PHONE.

The STUNT COORDINATOR was even happier that I had flown all the way to TO to see see him again.

NOT. 

He said he'd much rather hire a professional stunt person with 15 years experience rather than someone who was 

JUST A STAND IN

But he needed the work too so,... I was once again,

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE!

That’s probably the reason I didn’t work for the next 10 years because STUNT COORDINATORS luv being told who to hire. Especially STAND INs. And it’s not like they talk to each other or anything.

I went for my WARDROBE FITTING for which I actually got paid!

You actually get paid for trying on clothes!

I was the perfect fit. 

The STUNT COORDINATOR wasn't.

He had hired HIMSELF to be RDA's Stunt Double.  Turns out HE was the professional stunt person with 15 years experience of which he spoke.

AH! So that’s how that works.

My hair was perfect because I had worked on MACGYVER when I was

JUST a STAND IN. 

And I had already grown my beard to match his.

RDA had grown a beard for this movie so fans wouldn't confuse him with MACGYVER who didn’t have a beard. But he still wore his same MACGYVER  bombers jacket. Guess he didn't wanna get too far out of his comfort zone.

So I took the TROLLY back to the ROYAL YORK HOTEL.

The BUS to the AIRPORT.

The RED EYE to VANCOUVER.

SHUTTLE to CREW PARK.

Drove the BEATER home.

Again my wife would really have appreciated a break before yet another long flight.

She was even more happy when the BEATER ran outta gas halfway to the airport causing her almost to miss her flight.

But I was, 

RDA’s,

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.

I wondered how many days being the 

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE

of an ACTION HERO would get me.

I remember RDA’s LA  JESUS GUY STUNT DOUBLE with the MAJOR FOOT FETISH.

When he got his first paycheque it was so big that he thought they’d made a mistake with the decimal point.

I got the shooting schedule and discovered that I was going to be

RDA’s OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE for, wait for it,...

ONE DAY!

No mistaking the decimal point here.

Now do most STUNT PEEPS have to drive their BEATER to the AIRPORT, park in CREW PARK shuttle to the TERMINAL, take the REDEYE to TO then take a  BUS down town to the ROYAL YORK HOTEL, take the TROLLY car to the other side of town and do it all again twice to get 

ONE DAY!

you might ask?

NO!

Most STUNT PEEPS would already be working on SET when they get called for more work. That work could lead to more work. And so on.

You could get a call for 6 days.

Or 6 weeks.

Or in the case of I ROBOT, you could have absolutely no experience at all and if you fit into the suit you could be called for

6 MONTHS!

IN A ROW!

and pay cash for a home twice as big as my rented townhouse!!

But I’m not bitter and I digress.

Plus I’ve totally forgotten.

But not one of those peeps can lay claim being 

RDA’s

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.

Only one person can make that claim and he’s got 

ONE DAY

WITH buyout to prove it.

Only problem is I’m forced to revert to my old role as,

JUST A STAND IN

to cover the costs of flying all the way to TO and housing and feeding and clothing myself for

ONE DAY

as RDA’s 

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.

A week later I drove my BEATER with a full tank of gas to the AIRPORT, parked in CREW park shuttled to TERMINAL took REDEYE to TO bused to ROYAL YORK HOTEL  took TROLLEY to STUDIO for my 

ONE DAY

The WARDROBE fit like CINDERELLA  ELLA’s shoe.

I went through the works. HAIR. MAKEUP.

I actually had my own ROOM. 

I arrived on set all decked out carrying my brand new STUNT BAG. It was black and leather. The LA STUNT COORDINATOR from MACGYVER had told me that you had to have a black leather STUNT BAG before you could consider yourself a STUNT PEEP.

I also had knees and elbows in my STUNT BAG for my BOY. Cause that’s what STUNT PROFESSIONALS do.

I kept going back and forth to CRAFTY not to gouge my face but so that everyone could see me in my full  stunt regalia. I carried the STUNT BAG with me wherever I went.

WARDROBE kept offering me that huge MICHELIN MAN NORTH FACE PARKA to keep warm. But I didn’t want anything to cover up my WARDROBE.

But it was -30! And a blizzard!

I was FREEZING! But I looked good!

The big moment had arrived! The reason I had crisscrossed the country 3 x’s!

THE BIG STUNT!

THE BIG STUNT was to climb over a chain link fence.

The PRETTY DEPT converged on me like hungry SEAGULLS on french fries!

They fussed.

WARDROBE primped!

PROPS gave me the watch at the very last second just like always.

AND ACTION!

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON climbed over the chain link fence

HIMSELF.

CUT/PRINT/MOVIN ON!!

THAT WAS IT. IT WAS OVER.

I was no longer 

RDA’s

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.

Rather, I was back to being,

JUST A STAND IN

Just when you thought you had escaped,

They SUCK YOU BACK IN!

They took away my WARDROBE. Gave me a hot towel to wipe the makeup off my face.

I couldn’t even leave my STUNT BAG in my room because they needed it for a day player although I saw one of the TEAMSTERS go in there for a sleep.

I was back on my MARK being lit by the DOP.

I was gonna stand on that mark for the next 15 hours and the next 3 weeks without moving. And was it COLD!!

Coulda used that oversized MICHELIN MAN NORTH FACE PARKA  from WARDROBE. But it was no longer being offered. My privileges had been revoked! The oversized MICHELIN MAN NORTH FACE PARKA was for the OTHER GUY.

The horse and carriage had certainly been turned back into a pumpkin again.

A freezin cold pumpkin

JUSTINE BATEMAN from Family Ties was the co star of the movie. 

She was very nice.

We were sitting in a Picture car together.

RDA was in his incredibly gigantic and warm as toast WINI watching the PORN channel

KIDDING.

JUSTINE BATEMAN was so nice that she was STANDING IN for herself so that her STAND IN could keep warm in Holding.

She tried to be nice to me by saying I was a,

VERY GOOD,...

STAND IN.

OOOPS.

Now this may come as a huge surprise to everyone but I sorta had,

STAND IN ISSUES!

I thought I had gotten a handle on it when I had hit rock bottom, losing all semblance of self respect or dignity when I was forced to STAND IN for Danny Virtues DOG on a show called NEON RIDER.

Being down on ALL FOURS being taunted and asked to lick yourself by 50 Crew Members in front of a bunch of pre schoolers doing an on set tour, will do that to a fella.

But I guess I still needed a little bit of fine tuning when it came to attractive young Starlets from Hollywood who paid more in taxes in one year than I made in 10.

So I guess I may have, kinda,

SNAPPED!

I think I may have said,

“I’m not 

JUST A STAND IN!”

I’m a STUNT MAN!!”

It was akin to the ELEPHANT MAN yelling,

“I’M NOT AN ANIMAL!!”

Or BONES telling Captain Kirk,

“ Dammit Jim I’m a doctor not a busboy!”

She might as well have patted me on the head and called me a,

GOOD LITTLE STAND IN.

Awkward.

She never stood in for herself on that show ever again.

In fact she never allowed herself to be alone with me on that show ever again.

                                                    

But,

THEY ADDED ANOTHER STUNT DAY!!

I’m now RDA’s

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE

For,

TWO DAYS!

I’m BACK BABY!!

It was a 2ND UNIT DAY at an OLD TEXTILE MILL.

The GAG was RDA would grab a bag of money. But it would be BOOBY TRAPPED and a cable would wrap around his ankle and drag him into 2 very dangerous looking 

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with SHARP NAUGHTY BITS.

It was to pull him closer and closer, until just before his foot is pulled into the machine to be CRUSHED and SHREDDED by these 

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL  ROLLERS with SHARP NAUGHTY BITS, 

it would 

STOP!

JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME!

Kinda like a MACGYVER bit. 

Only it wasn’t MACGYVER. 

It was the actor who played MACGYVER

But with a beard. But wearing the same MACGYVER jacket.

I looked at the 

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS.

It was nasty. This wasn’t a PROP or something built by the FX DUDES. It was a functioning machine designed to CRUSH and SHRED anything that came in contact with it. 

Wood,

Tin, 

Steel,

HUMAN BONES!

This reminded me of the small factory town that I had grown up in. I had seen these machines before working part time as a teenager and had vowed never to see them ever again!

A friend of mine quit High school to go work in a factory because he liked the money. Also I don’t think he was the best student either.

He got his arm caught in one of these machines! It kept pulling him deeper and deeper into the machine until he passed out because of the pain! He wound up losing his arm up to his shoulder!

I vowed never to work in one of these places.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

So now here I am years later, University educated big time Hollywood Stunt Double willingly allowing myself to be pulled into one of these same machines.

Hmmm.

RDA did the CLOSE UP.

He struggled as the cable pulled him closer and closer to the 

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS!

It was a CLOSE UP so he was never actually attached to anything.

STRUGGLE! STRUGGLE!

COVERAGE! COVERAGE!

CUT/PRINT/MOVIN ON!

Bring in the STUNT TEAM!

Now it was my turn! After 10 years of being ignored, insulted and blacklisted. This was my moment!

It was kinda like RUDY leading the NOTRE DAME football team onto the field!

In the wide shot they wrapped a cable around my ankle to pull me into these

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS.

There was a quick release so that I could always pull my leg free if my foot got too close to the machine.

PROPS had a DUMMY LEG for CLOSE UPS.

Turns out I was the DUMMY.

ACTION!

In the wide shot I STRUGGLED, STRUGGLED as the cable wrapped around my ankle pulled me closer and closer to the 

GIGANTIC ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS!

I was careful to shield my face because I was

RDA’s

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE!

Problem was the quick release kept releasing. I had to SELL the struggle. But by doing so the cable kept falling out ruining the shot.

The next brilliant move was to ask me if I minded being attached to the cable,

FOR REAL.

That is, I would ACTUALLY, LITERALLY be attached to the cable that would be ACTUALLY and LITERALLY being pulled into the 

GIGANTIC ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS!

I had absolutely no control.

The FX DUDE went ballistic! He said it was way too dangerous!

He stormed off set!

The STUNT COORDINATOR wasn’t even there!! His contract had expired on the last day of PRINCIPLE PHOTOGRAPHY. This was a 2nd UNIT day after the show wrap for MAIN UNIT. He didn’t even know about it!

The only thing stopping me from being eligible for HANDICAP PARKING was,

FACTORY GUY.

It was his job to press the RED STOP BUTTON if my foot got too close to the

GIGANTIC ROLLERS WITH THE SHARP NAUGHTY BITS

No one knew who he was.

He wasn’t a STUNT GUY.

He wasn’t an FX GUY.

He was just,

FACTORY GUY.

Legend had it that he had worked on every machine in this factory since he was 12 years old. He knew every machine inside out.

We weren’t entirely sure if that was a good thing.

He was kinda mysterious and didn’t say much. A kind of a To Kill a Mockingbird Factory version of Boo Radley.

He reminded me of 2 Brothers from my home town.

Both brothers were named BRIAN.

BRIAN and BRIAN.

BRIAN and BRIAN”S Mother and Father were Brother and Sister.

Go figure.

BRIAN and BRIAN were born 5 min apart.

They both worked in a textile factory in my home town. Their job was to try to catch cotton that blew around furiously in a closed off plexi glass cage blown around by two enormous E fans. They had to gather the cotton quickly in their arms and form it into a bale of cotton.

The problem was the cotton would stick to them and it looked like they had been tarred and feathered!

So every day BRIAN and BRIAN would show up to buy cigarettes from  the corner store that I worked at as a kid looking like they had been tarred and feathered.

BRIAN  who was born 5 min before BRIAN would always show up and buy his cigarettes 5 min before BRIAN.

FACTORY GUY looked just like BRIAN. And BRIAN

So naturally I said,

YES.

because,

I’M AN IDIOT!!!

So they tied the cable to my ankle.

I was now ACTUALLY and LITERALLY tied into the 

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS.

I looked at FACTORY GUY whose job it was to press the RED STOP BOTTON.

I noticed FACTORY GUY was missing a coupla DIDGETS.

Not sure if that was a good thing.

FACTORY GUY was starting to remind me of the bad guy from The GREEN MILE who wanted to execute EDUARD DELACROIX with the DRY sponge so he would suffer even more. And I didn’t have the equivalent of Tom Hanks to notice the floor was DRY.

The STUNT COORDINATOR wasn’t there. And he probably wouldn’t have cared anyway because I went over his head.

FACTORY GUY kept looking at me. I wondered if he thought that I thought I was better than him. Just cause I was

RDA’s

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.

AND ACTION!

I STRUGGLED, STRUGGLED, STRUGGLED!

I kept getting closer and closer to the

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS.

Now when they make movies they have a million cuts to sell the jeopardy.

CUT TO:

GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS!!

CUT TO:

HORRIFIED LOOK ON FACE

CUT TO:

FOOT STRUGGLING AGAINST CABLE

CUT TO:

STRUGGLING FOOT TIE IN TO GIGANTIC INDUSTRIAL ROLLERS with the SHARP NAUGHTY BITS

I didn’t need any CUT TOs!

I was creating my own CUT TOs in my mind!

I DID have a horrified look on my face!

My foot WAS struggling against the cable!

The last thing I think I remember was, FACTORY GUY flashing a toothless, inbred,

DELIVERANCE type grin and yelling,

“Squeal like a PIG!”

Then all I remember was the EXCRUCIATING PAIN in my FOOT!

I remember being carried off the field by a bunch of football players to the chants of 

RUDY!! RUDY!!

The last player ever to be carried off the field at Notre Dame!

Actually it was a coupla Teamsters carrying me to a shuttle and they were pissed off because it was Teamster lunch.

I stuck my foot out the window on the way to the hospital. I remember how great the freezing cold felt on my foot which was throbbing like a cartoon. I also remember how happy I was that I actually had a foot to dangle out the window.

Turns out I broke a bone in my foot.

PRODUCTION gave me what’s called an ADJUSTMENT. Which is the equivalent of Danger Pay. The ADJUSTMENT was quite BIG to,

KEEP MY BIG MOUTH SHUT!

The company might have been LIABLE because there was no STUNT COORDINATOR on SET. And the FX COORDINATOR had gone on record saying it was too dangerous!

Plus the guy they’d hired to do the GAG was 

JUST a STAND IN.

Not a Stunt Professional with 15 years experience which I’m quite certain the STUNT COORDINATOR would have been more than happy to attest to.

So I got some DOUGH and the PRODUCERS didn’t get sued.

WIN. WIN.

Plus I got something much more important. Something that was even more important than the black leather STUNT BAG. Something that all STUNT PROFESSIONALS need.

MT FIRST STUNT STORY!

It was like  RESERVOIR DOGS. You need a STORY to tell the other STUNT PEEPS when you’re on SET for 14 hours a day. To kind of legitimize yourself. 

I swear that comparing war wounds and war stories, describing who has lost the use of what body part is almost as important in the STUNT culture as the actual GAG itself.

It sometimes sounds like an old SNL bit, with BILLY CRYSTAL and CHRISTOPHER GUEST doing FRANKIE and WILLIE.

“ I took a hole puncher and punched a hole in my eyelid!”

HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

“ Ya I got the Fire Retardent Gel confused with the Accelerant”

HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

So I took the TROLLY car to the ROYAL YORK HOTEL and a BUS to the AIRPORT, the REDEYE to VANCOUVER and a SHUTTLE to CREW park and drove the BEATER home one last time,

ON CRUTCHES.

I got to go on WORKERS INDEMNITY which was based on the much higher STUNT RATE for the next few months which was more than I had ever made for actually working.

Plus I wasn’t going to be working anyways. The town was dead.

WIN. WIN

Months later after my foot was totally healed the same DIRECTOR from STRANGER  who had thrown up on set when he heard what had happened to me was in Vancouver  shooting CALL of the WILD starring Rick ( Not Ricky) Schroder.

I pretended to limp into the audition like CHESTER from GUNSMOKE. He was horrified! When he realized I was a joking, he swore at me and gave me the part.

My biggest part to date!

WIN. WIN. WIN. And WIN.

And it was all because I was 

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON'S 

OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE.  

So now I’ve got a bunch of days on CALL of the WILD in Northern BC,

WITH a BEARD.

Then I play KEITH MAGNUSON the CHICAGO BLACKHAWK goon on a CBC Hockey movie in TORONTO,

WITHOUT a BEARD.

Then I’m back on CALL of the WILD in Northern BC a week later,

WITH a BEARD!

And the PRETTY DEPT doesn’t want to put a fake beard on me.

Smells like another BLOG to me!

RDA, JUSTINE BATEMAN,  RDA's OFFICIAL STUNT DOUBLE

NEXT WEEK- STEVE MARTIN's STUNT DOUBLE PINK PANTHER